I hate you, Halloween!

It’s true. I really do. I’m sorry, but you have to understand that you are the stupidest holiday we have. Let’s count up the ways that you are terrible.

1. No day off work. Now, I can’t think of a reason to have Halloween off, but just the fact that no one has ever tried tells me that it is not a worthwhile holiday. Even Presidents’ Day ranks above you, Halloween. Not only is it a day off work, but it is often my birthday and usually includes some great History Channel specials! What do you have, Halloween?
2. You don’t even have good food to eat. Go ahead, name me a Halloween-specific meal, and roasted pumpkin seeds aren’t a meal (though they are tasty). I am a big squash lover, and so pumpkins carved into jack-o-lanterns look like a lot of wasted food to me. Easter has ham, which is just wrong, but you can’t even boast a morally incorrect meal.
3. Trick-or-treating Part I: Speaking of bad meals…Actually going to people’s houses, demanding candy, and then dragging your loot back home is a terrible idea. First, a few of my neighbors really get into Halloween, and that’s mildly disturbing. Second, several of my neighbors aren’t courteous enough to even say hello when we pass, but I want my children to take candy from them? And finally, the neighbors that I would want to converse with never light their porches. Oh, and did I mention the cold?
4. Trick-or-treating Part II: The candy gathered is a problem for many reasons. First, though my children profess to love candy, they hardly ever eat it. Second, when they don’t eat it, I do. Third, there is candy that not even I will eat! This sorry mass of disgustingly flavored rejection sits on top of the fridge until next Easter, when we get tired enough of it that we toss the lot. Candy…Boooo!
5. Trick-or-Treating Part III: The kids that come to the door annoy the heck out of me. The little ones are very cute, and I appreciate their happiness and awkward shyness. Then the night wears on, and the older kids start to come out. When a thirteen-year-old rings my bell at 8:00, I’ve had just about enough. “Here, kid, take this candy that somehow survived the Easter purge.” Oh yes, the main reason I hate this part of trick-or-treating is the fact that my doorbell rings. Unannounced company never makes me happy.
6. As if buying and then figuring out how to dispose of candy wasn’t enough, you give me an extra shot of commercialism in the costume and decorating madness. Everyone points a finger at the commercialistic modern Christmas, but you, Halloween, are completely based on merchandising products that I don’t need. And yet I am required to buy them! For stealing the most unnecessary money from my wallet of any holiday, I hate you, Halloween.

You are morally wrong, environmentally insensitive, fiscally annoying, and generally a detriment to society. I hate you, Halloween.